I’ve worked very hard at maintaining my role as a good husband and father of eight-month-old twins. I wash dishes, change diapers, and most importantly, try to maintain some form of communication with my wife. Sometimes the topics for discussion are not my favorite, but I honestly do try and resist the urge to start singing a random tune over and over in my head HIFU.
Recently, however, I’ve had to draw the “line” on one subject in particular—makeup and cosmetics. The topic is inevitable. It constantly arises due to the fact that my wife is always applying some form of cosmetics as I drive to our destinations. Honestly, I had no clue that cosmetics had so many facets and points of interest, but still … do I really need this information?
There’s usually a complete course on her current choice of lip liner. Obviously, the thickness of said liner is of great importance. She will inevitably hold the liner about 2 inches from my right eye (in my direct line of vision of the road) to ask, “Can you tell the difference in this new one? Clearly it’s better than that other one I had last week. This new one has great definition and contrast.” Usually at this point I am repeating her words, “definition and contrast.” Are we still talking about lip liner? It sounds like she could be admiring the work of a Renoir or Botticelli.
Then there’s the “shimmer factor” in her makeup selection and application. This is the one that I always have trouble with. My wife is a beautiful woman with big blue eyes. Is she supposed to shimmer? If so, how much shimmer is too much? I have noticed that most of her shimmer questions are about lip gloss, which, as I understand, goes over the lipstick, between the lines of the previously discussed lip liner. Seriously, this one always stumps me. Gloss, to me, would indicate a great deal of shimmer, much like a piece of furniture with a high gloss finish. But to my wife, there is a certain “gloss” line that, if crossed, ruins all previous lip applications reenex.
Somewhere during this intricate process, mascara will inevitably be contemplated. The clumping factor, the longevity, the waterproof-ness, the application tool, the method of containment, and again, the definition and contrast.
It never fails to amaze me that among all of these factors, price is never mentioned. Price, the first thing that a man would consider and the factor that often dictates his decision, is of no relevance at all. In fact, if I ever inquire about the price of a really good mascara, I am usually told, “Priceless.” This is followed by a lesson of the new mascara’s incredible ability to do what last week’s mascara couldn’t possibly do. The new mascara has answered all of her cosmetic prayers. Funny how in a couple of weeks the industry will introduce another miracle that her lovely lashes cannot live without. Priceless reenex.